For what ever reason, my blog about Sexpo '09 was popular. I assume it has something to do with the word sex in the title but I'm not one to complain about being read so I went with it, loved it in fact. I followed the blog up with two more posts, focusing on my infatuation with Jewel the showgirl. She featured heavily in the first post so it was only natural. The story of reuniting with Jewel never reached a conclusion as after the third post, the story had run out of steam and I was tired of it. Fast forward to almost two years later and Sexpo is back in town.
Giddy with the potential of once again writing something that would actually be read, I embraced Sexpo and created this blog. Giving it just enough time to generate a bit of interest, I tried to blog Sexpo updates with a naughty, tounge-in-cheek style, similar to the old blog that brought me here. I got involved with the Sexpo buzz and even got squished all for the sake of being read. Eventually my lust to write something people will actually read dropped of, probably somewhere on the Sexpo bed. I, through a complete lack of interest, missed my opportunity on Thursday to finally end the Jewel story when I didn't attend the Sexpo media tour. The one event Jewel is obliged to chat to the media, the only time through the weekend I would be able to get 1-on-1 time with her.
Failing my attempt to end the Jewel story, interest in Sexpo fell to new lows. Friday night was my only chance to have my Sexpo adventure and I tried to make it, I really did. I asked my kids mum to come around an hour early on Friday to pick them up for her weekend with them. She arrived on time but when she offered to buy fish-n-chips for the family and invited me to hang out I jumped at the chance. They stayed for a couple of hours and still left me with more than enough time to cruise into Sexpo around 8.30 but meh. I didn't care. I had more fun chatting to my new housemate on Facebook while watching boobs on SBS!
Everything I wrote two years ago about Sexpo is true and relevant for Sexpo today. I can't imagine it changing. Katsuni will be sitting where Keisha did two years ago, holding a fake penis against horny men and sucking on it while posing for a pic. Might even be the same fake penis Keisha was intimate with. The Showgirls will still be rocking it to a Russell Gilbert soundtrack. Russell Gilbert will still be grasping at the jokes that made him famous 25 years ago. He might even bring out the old Elvis haircut gag again, you know, for old times sake.
The Laporium still has sweaty girls trying hard to pull those dollars out of your hand with their flat chests and smelly crotches while drunk exhibitionists will always make their way from the bar to the stage to take off their clothes. So for anyone that did make it to Sexpo this year, how did I do describing the scene?
I realised something while writing this post. I don't need to go to Sexpo for people to read this, I just needed to write something. So, thanks for making me feel special again. I enjoyed watching my stats tower above anything else I have ever written while the views for the two behind the scenes looks at the Sexpo bed on YouTube will no doubt rise to the heights of the Showgirls video I posted last time. 82,653 views as of writing.
Under the sails of the Swan Bell Tower the sexy people all got together for the Sexpo World Record Attempt for most people in a bed. Armed with Sexpo shirts and a need to get squished, they all gathered on a mattress and grabbed a handful, of each other.
The main feature, the bed, came fully equipped. Cuffs, a swing and chains hung heavily from the posts. Eager to try, Bombshell McGee climbed on the swing and looked like a pro. Not to be outdone, Suzie Q and her ultra-fit man, Toby J, climbed on together to do what they do best. Public sex acts with their clothes on!
In attempting to get a good picture of the record we started to pile onto the bed. Quickly it became apparent, someone ate an extra helping of wheatbix that morning and the bed started to sag and bow. Abandon ship was called and the eager to please volunteers bailed before the bed tumbled to the ground. Crisis adverted.
Next, it was decided, we'll put the mattress on the ground and try for the record. The boys piled on first, pulling in tight till the little one said roll over. Level upon level was added. It was about this time someone went for the reach around but I don't know who. Later study of pictures suggests it was either a blonde, brunette or Toby J. Whoever it was, they are good with their hands!
Finally the cherry was added, a tiny tattoo covered cherry! I can't remember how many climbed on the bed but I'm sure the number will pop up in a story somewhere. Lets say 1,000! Yep, 1,000 people climbed into bed with Bombshell McGee. Not a bad effort for a Wednesday morning.
Where there was three, now there is two, but the sexy Showgirls still bring their A-game to every performance! Fans of the blog will remember the first time I met the Showgirls and Jewel. Well Jewel is back in Perth to see me and has very nicely agreed to perform for you guys at Sexpo! WIN!
The showgirls are the best part of Sexpo and if you don't see their performance at least once you fail at Sexpo! Hell, you fail at life!
Get to the stage early and grab a spot by the stage close enough to get wet! You can bring a camera but why bother when the Showgirls sell videos of their performance afterwards, as well as a nice photo! Hmmm I wonder if I can get Jewel down to the world record attempt bed tomorrow? In closing, this post needs more exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
See the video I took at Sexpo '09 of the girls doing their thing.
Last Sexpo brought us two porn stars. Yes, real women who fake it till the make it with cocks up 'em in front of a camera and a film crew with holes in their pockets. This year Sexpo doesn't let us down and brings the actresses Katsuni and Kagney Linn Karter. Take a few minutes to get to know the girls before you meet them in person.
Katsuni
Katsuni is a bi-lingual porn star who has been in the industry for the better part of a decade, taking full advantage of her Asian appeal. Don't let looks fool you, Katsuni is French! She started focusing on becoming a literature teacher till her casual job as a go-go dancer through college morphed into the lucrative job she has now, getting pounded in the arse by coked up cocks. Katsuni has invested into the adult entertainment business and now owns and operates Katsuni LLC. Surely suffering from sausage in a hallway syndrome by now, Katsumi is branching into mainstream work for MTV France and other French television channels.
Kagney moved to California to be a star of movies and TV. Unfortunately for Kagney (Fortunately for Sexpo), California didn't want her to be in movies and TV. Kagney eventually fell into naked modelling before taking the step into hardcore pounding. Much newer to the adult film scene than her Sexpo peer Katsuni, Kagney has yet to rise to the top of her profession. I suppose you could say she does well on the bottom, or up the bottom? She is on the record as saying that Kagney Linn is her real parental given name but Karter IS adopted for adult films. Apparently it has a nice ring to it. Rest assured when you go to Sexpo you are getting the best! Both the actresses have won a slew of adult awards. Kagney gave the best point of view performance of 2010! I guess that means she doesn't have any butt pimples!
Want to get into bed with Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee? Don't we all! Well you can, you just have to share her with..... oh about as many guys and gals we can find!!!
It's a sexy stacks on as the organisers of Sexpo attempt to set a record for the most people in one bed at the same time! I will be there and hopefully we can all get cosy, really cosy down at Barrack Square!
If your interested in getting in bed with me, oh and some tattooed mistress, just email april@sexpo.com.au or even easier, DM @sexpoaustralia or @sexpoperth on twitter. Hell just tell me and I will make sure the right people know you're coming.
Perth Sexpo guest, Kagney Linn Karter, has sent a message to Sexpo fans, reminding us that she is coming and that you don't need to be smart to be in porn! I imagine being smart could hold you back.
I loves me a dumb porn star at Sexpo! Seriously, you have to make up a porno name and come up with Kagney Linn Karter?
Want to work at Sexpo? Well you can! Sexpo Perth is looking for some people for some promotions work and they need you, especially you guys! Follow the link and go have some fun!!!!!
Have a talent you want to bring to the world? Well lets hope it's sexual because this is Sexpo!
If you can balance 15 towels on the end of your cock (my record is 9) or put on a condom with your mouth, Sexpo wants you to do it in front of the excited Sexpo crowd live on stage!
The winner will get to fly to Melbourne in November to compete in the competition final!!!
A while ago I published this story on Contempt for Humanity. That site has been removed but with Sexpo only a couple of months away I wanted to warm up to it and re-publish this story. At the time the article was quite popular and well read. Re-reading it now just shows me how much my writing has progressed over the last two years. Anyway, please relive and enjoy my adventure at Sexpo. I hope to bring you more coverage and better access when Sexpo comes to Perth soon.
Entering Sexpo is just like entering any tradeshow: packed and overwhelming. You spend the first few minutes just trying to orientate: Where am I, where should I be going? You get sucked along with the crowd past the first of many, many sex stores displaying cheap wang-bong vibrators and poorly made R rated porn.
As I was heading in no particular direction, a nicely dressed (undressed?) woman handed me a free show bag filled with those glamourous trucker magazines The Picture and People, I think to make sure I had something to do with my hands. The bag came in handy later on, not really sure the mags will.
After 10 minutes I finally got to see breasts. 10 whole minutes? Had I been looking in the right places? This is Sexpo right, why does everybody have their tops on?
The breasts were attached to Harmony “porn star” Keisha Kane, who was selling the rights to have a picture taken with her while she displayed her acting talent by pretending to fuck you. With props within reach, Keisha was all too happy to place a fake cock on your groin and suck on it so patrons could go home with a picture sure to impress Grandma. Amused by this, I hung a round for a bit and watched the patrons pose for their photo.
Keisha seemed very accommodating and pleasant to everybody that met her - but I knew I could never have a photo like that featuring myself.
First of all, my wife wouldn’t approve, and future generations could suffer the consequences … plus - a Harmony porn star? Come on!
Still observing, I imagined Keisha talking like a roit chav eh.
“Cum ‘ere luv and grab me arrse! That’s it darlin’!”
If I wanted to watch naked Chavs go at it I would go hang outside Rob Kidman’s place.
Further down the hall (and after having a deep and meaningful with licensed area hot girl whose sole mission in life is to make me buy an $8 beer) we arrive at the back of a huge crowd. It’s actually the stage, where Penthouse Pet and world-renowned exotic dancer Suzie Q is starting her performance.
Suzie does an aerial performance that would be difficult for all but Olympic gymnasts - but she does it with her clothes off! Finally, after wandering the hall for 40 minutes my Sexpo adventure is starting and I feel excited to be there!
Reenergised, I start heading towards the back of that hall again stopping at the stalls, buying show bags and all the while flirting with the sales girls. Why? Because it’s Sexpo! You can’t help yourself! Once the moment has caught up with you it’s embrace it or go home! I even started rethinking my attitudes towards posing with Keisha.
After watching Keisha suck on a Dildo again my senses caught up and sanity prevailed. There will be no photo with Keisha and in fact I’m starting to wonder if Keisha is the anti-sexpo. How can a porn star rob me of the lust for Sexpo that I had not 2 minutes before?
My eyes catch another attraction.
Ride the Gerbil! Ride the fucking Gerbil! The Gerbil is like a Ghost Train for sex. In fact, I think they just bought a second hand ghost train and gave the ghosts hard-ons! After queuing up for 5 minutes and handing over your $4 (maybe the cheapest thing at Sexpo) you sit in the Gerbil and hold on to the handrail. My handrail was a set of boobs. My brother hung on to the cocks, but only because I made him - and since I was paying I thought it was only fair.
I don’t remember much about the Gerbil. It was very dark and hard to see but I’m pretty sure a robot cum on my face. It made spots on my glasses! Would have been nice to actually see more inside the ride but then again maybe not. I wouldn’t recommend the Gerbil not even at $4.
With two Sexpo setbacks I had to get the mojo back and fast! The most famous, not to be missed show at Sexpo is the Sexpo Showgirls and they were on in 15 minutes. Time to hit the stage!
Nice and early, I got a place right up the front and waited patiently. Patiently? Yeah right. The next 15 minutes was full of “Now what’s the time?” as my brother faithfully answered, “Two minutes since you last asked!” I stopped asking and used the clock on my phone instead. Every time I looked at my phone the picture of my 3 year old son stared back at me from the screen as if to say ‘Where are you Dad? Can I come?’ He would have liked Sexpo.
It’s 9.15 and Russell the-only-thing-I-ever-did-was-the-postie-on-The-Comedy-Company Gilbert takes to the stage with the requisite ‘RUSSELLLLL!!!’ from the bogans in the crowd. It’s time for the Showgirls!
The Showgirls are Jewell, Taylor and Trinity. Taylor and Trinity profess to be lesbian lovers in one of the trucker magazines. Lucky for us they found each other! The show is awesome. The most awesome thing at Sexpo, in fact the most awesome thing in Perth ever! Well worth the price of admission three times over. That’s when it happened. Camera blazing I went from sane adult to crazed pervert. The sort of crazed pervert I remember being at 16 years old but not since. Crazed and irrational.
Jewell is now my one and only and if the chance arose we would run off together and live happily ever after! What wife? What children? They are dead to me. I love Jewell and I’m sure with a bit of help, the sort of help found in the character of John Fowels’s book, The Collector, she would love me too!
The Showgirls perform to 3 songs – ending, quite amazingly, with Jewell receiving a bath from the other girls (including a “clean” that only a cat is used to in the privates!) Taylor then showered me with the water from the sponge. The perks of being up front!
After the show I only existed in 16-year-old crazy perve mode. Showgirl show bags are available from the side of the stage complete with a DVD of tonight’s performance and a picture with the girls. My girls. My Jewell!
I hurried. I may have pushed people over, but in my defence they shouldn’t have been in the way! I jumped in line.
“Here’s $30, $60 just take my fucking wallet, I don’t care!”
At this point I have no idea where my brother is. I left him behind. He could be dead for all I care. I’m going to meet Jewell! I later found out he was busy watching a silhouette of a couple fucking or making out or some such shit.
I wait in line.
The man running the stall is very protective of the girls, maybe too much. These girls were just on stage, swapping spit with a thousand cameras flashing at them, yet now that they are in the stall photography seems to be outlawed.
“Oi, put it away! You want a picture you pay!” he yells every time he sees a flash go off towards the girls. He seems tough but I’m sure I could take him if he gets inbetween my beloved Jewell and I!
My turn. I sit on a stool between the lovers and wrap my hands around their waist. Jewell sits in front. I think at this point I should mention that the 16-year-old perve is also a polite gentleman. I was shocked. I found myself using all my “please” and “thankyous” as I talk to the girls. It was uncontrollable yet the girls seemed to like it. It may have shocked them too. In the time it took for the camera to go click I was pushed along to a new line, autographs.
The girls take all the pictures for everyone in line then move down to the table to sign the trucker magazine and their poster. I wait patiently. In only moments I’m going to talk to Jewell and she is going to run away with me and we are going to have our happily ever after moment.
I wait in line.
Jewell talks to me, me! I love a girl who makes the first move!
“What’s your name sweetie?”
I melt.
Pause.
Shit, I have to talk.
“Jason.”
She starts personalising a copy of her poster for me.
“How’s your day been?”
A second question. This is my way in. This is my time to tell her everything!
“Er….”
I squeak.
“Gre…great.”
“That’s awesome honey. This is Jason.”
Jewell tells the other girls my name. Taylor says something but I don’t hear her. I have stopped listening. I feel myself shuffle away from Jewell. At the end of the desk I am given my posters and told to wait again for my photo. The moment has passed. I have lost her forever.
When the photos are done Trinity comes out to the crowd and hands them out. I never see Jewell again.
I find my brother staring at the porno silhouettes and ask him if there is anything else he would like to do. We head towards the one place we haven’t been, The Laporium. Is that even a word?
The Laporium is just a sleazy strip joint inside the hall. It’s dark, smelly and creepy, just like a real strip joint. I pay the cover charge for both of us, $20, before we enter and find a chair.
On stage is a sweaty girl with no attractive features wriggling around on the floor like she is having an epileptic fit. I start wondering if anyone is going to help her or if I should call an ambulance. No one seems to be worried so I don’t either.
Moments later we are approached by a girl who starts gyrating on the bench in front of us. She is drenched with sweat and has a smell I don’t recognise. Her eyes told us that she was under the influence of something and it wasn’t alcohol.
She grabs my brother’s leg. I have trouble making out the conversation over the noise.
“What’s your name?”
“Daniel.”
“I can give you a dance.”
“Ur…”
I should say that sometimes, Daniel sounds like Butthead from MTV’s Beavis and Butthead. I don’t think it’s intentional but if it is he is really good at it.
“Ur….I don’t have any money.”
“But you’re at Sexpo, you have money! $40!”
She licks her finger and runs it down her body till it finally finds her crotch where it lingers. That’s when she looks to me.
“What’s your name?”
I try not to answer. She doesn’t give up.
“How about $50 for both.”
“No we are fine. Thank you.”
She leaves and I breathe a sigh of relief. I ask my brother if he wants to leave the Laporium. He answers by making for the door.
I bathe in the neon light and fresh air that waits outside The Laporium. I look up, maybe to thank the Lord for getting me out of such an awful place and I see the big screen for the stage is gearing up for the next performance, the amateur strip.
The amateur strip is open to anyone who wants to take his or her clothes off in front of the crowd.There are only two rules. The crowd is not allowed to boo and the strippers don’t need to take off their underwear.
The girls are first up. Russell takes up his MC duties and goes down the line of contestants.
“What’s your name?”
“Chantel!!!!! Whoooo!!!”
“Hey alright!. What do you do Chantel?”
“Hair dresser!!!! Yeah!!!!!!!”
Chantel has brought a friend, it seems, because the next girl is also a hairdresser. Russell uses this as an opportunity to show the crowd why he hasn’t been on TV for 20 years.
“I went to the hairdresser once and asked for an Elvis cut. The hairdresser shaved off all my hair! I said oi, this isn’t how Elvis wore his hair to which the hairdresser replied. It would be if he fucken had his hair cut here!”
Oh why isn’t The Comedy Company still on TV?! It made me laugh when I was eight!
The girls get a couple of minutes to strip. I was really excited that the girl who was not really fat but had enough crevasses on her front to lose M&M’s and such had enough of a positive body image to strip in front of everyone. I wish I had that confidence!
Eventually a winner is picked through the impartial, “audience applause” method, while the girls who lost immediately show remorse across their faces. Some even go so far as to cover themselves with their arms even though only moments before they were dancing like ladettes just before closing. The winner received a bag of goodies from Adult Shop apparently worth $200. Not really worth whoring yourself up on stage for, granted, but the audience had fun and that’s all that matters in show business.
The guys go next and Russell doesn’t disappoint.
“What’s you name?”
“Christian.”
“Ur huh”
Russell starts giggling at the joke he’s about to tell.
“I didn’t ask about your religion, I said what’s your name!”
“Christian.”
It becomes obvious Christian doesn’t get the joke. Russell wants to explain it to him.
“No, ur I said what’s your name and you said Christian like the church!”
“Oh”
“Yeah, get it! What do you do for a job?”
“Painter”
“Yeah well its obvious you have been sniffing too many of those fumes!”
Russell moves on.
Eventually the guys strip down to the jocks and reveal novelty jocks available from one of the stores. A winner is named and the rest show the same remorse as the women from before. They leave the stage wondering if they lost because they have a small penis.
With that we ended our night. In the end it turned out to be a lot of fun. If I had to pick some faults it would be that all the show bags were basically the same, not enough credit card facilities and taking a bulldozer to the Laporium would be nice. Also a few more topless girls and for WA to change it’s laws on X rated movies so the Sexpo can sell porn worth watching.
I’ll end with the picture of me with the Sexpo Showgirls. The love of my life in down in front.
Perth Sexpo is coming soon and I loves it so much I have started a blog!!!!! Sexpo starts on the 26th of May so still plenty of time to save those $$$ cos you are gonna want them! So much to see and do its awesome.
Next up I will post my article from my adventures at the last Sexpo. Have a read, see what you could get up too! For me, that adventure was just a practice run! Looking forward to the next one!
For what ever reason, my blog about Sexpo '09 was popular. I assume it has something to do with the word sex in the title but I'm not one to complain about being read so I went with it, loved it in fact. I followed the blog up with two more posts, focusing on my infatuation with Jewel the showgirl. She featured heavily in the first post so it was only natural. The story of reuniting with Jewel never reached a conclusion as after the third post, the story had run out of steam and I was tired of it. Fast forward to almost two years later and Sexpo is back in town.
